I was 24 when I first read an article about having a narcissistic parent. I had no idea that clicking on it would completely change my world. Suddenly, everything I had been trying to figure out about myself made sense.
I had always struggled with low self-esteem. I couldn’t be vulnerable, couldn’t access my emotions, and constantly felt the need to please everyone.
But no matter how hard I tried, people still seemed to pull away from me. They didn’t invite me to their parties, made excuses not to hang out privately, and I always felt this underlying awkwardness around others. I wasn’t sure why—I often had interesting stories to tell, and I knew plenty of stories about others that could keep conversations going.
Then I read that article, and everything clicked. My dad was a narcissist. No wonder I had spent my whole life in survival mode.
The realization hit me so hard that I immediately called my mom, thinking she would be just as shocked as I was. I thought maybe this would help her make sense of her own pain too, that it might even help her heal from her divorce with my dad.
But instead, she hesitated before saying, “So you finally figured it out.”
I was speechless. She had known all this time? Why didn’t she ever tell me? She knew how much I was struggling, how much I beat myself up trying to understand what was wrong with me. Why did she never say anything?
Nobody Was Protecting Me
My first reaction was anger. How could she know the truth and never share it with me? So many times, I had called her crying about something my dad had done that made no sense.
Every time I reached out to my mom, she comforted me but never told me the truth about my dad. Looking back, I realize this is one of the hardest parts of being raised by a narcissistic parent—the other parent often enables them, even if they don’t mean to.
Later, my mom told me she didn’t even know what narcissism was back then. She had grown up believing in staying married no matter what, so she tolerated his behavior, even when it crushed her.
10 Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissistic Parent
It’s not always easy to tell if your parent is truly a narcissist. The term is thrown around a lot these days, but not everyone with narcissistic traits has full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I didn’t realize it until I was an adult, and by then, the damage had already been done. The symptoms of growing up with a narcissistic parent can be subtle, yet they affect everything—from your self-esteem to your relationships.
Here are 10 signs I personally experienced that may indicate you were raised by a narcissistic parent too.
1. You Feel Like Nobody Truly Likes You
Deep down, there’s this belief that no matter what I do, I’m not good enough. My dad didn’t love me unconditionally—I had to earn it. Be more. Do better. Impress him.
That belief followed me into adulthood. I assumed people wouldn’t like me unless I acted a certain way. In my current life, I still often feel that people don’t really like me and that I shouldn’t be a burden to them. I feel like I have to behave a certain way to be accepted and this makes me inauthentic.
But I learned that not being authentic is a bigger reason for people to actually not like me than trying to be someone I am not.
2. You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
A lot of children of narcissistic parents either have an anxious or an avoidant attachment style. Anxious roots in a fear of abandonment, and avoidant is actually a fear of rejection.
I don’t commit easily in relationships. And when I do, I keep an emotional distance.
The fear isn’t that someone will leave me. It’s that once they really get to know me, they won’t want me anymore. So I never let them get too close in the first place.
3. You Attract Toxic People
For the longest time, I thought I was just unlucky in love. But the truth is, I was unknowingly drawn to emotionally unavailable and toxic people.
Healthy, loving relationships felt foreign to me. They weren’t what I grew up with. So when I met people who treated me well, I felt uncomfortable—like something was off. But when someone played hot and cold, criticized me, or made me feel like I had to work for their love, it felt familiar.
This is because the first signs of love that you experienced were not healthy, so subconsciously you are re-creating that as an adult. It is very likely you will fall for a narcissist if one of your parents is a narcissist.
4. You Struggle to Trust Others
I question everything when people are nice to me. Do they actually care, or do they just want something?
Deep down you don’t trust your narcissistic parent, but since they raised you, you set this feeling aside. You must be the problem, right? A narcissist is most likely gaslighting you, and your reality is worth nothing to them.
Growing up, kindness from my dad was always transactional.
He was only nice when he needed me to behave a certain way or make him look good. It’s taken me years to realize that not everyone operates like that.
5. You Have Narcissistic Traits Yourself
This was a tough pill to swallow. I spent so long resenting my dad that I didn’t realize I had picked up some of his behaviors.
Narcissistic traits can develop as a defense mechanism, called narcissistic fleas. I saw how my dad manipulated situations to get what he wanted, and some part of me learned to do the same—especially when I felt vulnerable. It took a lot of self-awareness to unlearn those habits.
6. You Rely on Gossip to Connect with People
I recently noticed something about myself—I gossip more when I feel insecure. If I’m around people I think are “better” than me, I try to win their approval by sharing interesting (or shocking) stories about others.
Afterward, I feel awful. Like I just sold a piece of my soul for validation.
7. You Feel Awkward in Social Situations
I spent so many years shape-shifting to please my dad that as an adult, I struggled to just be myself.
You try so much to fit in, that your behavior is not genuine.
I would second-guess everything I said, wondering if people secretly thought I was weird or annoying. The effort to fit in made me even more self-conscious, making social interactions exhausting.
I noticed that when I am trying to please someone, I am becoming this very awkward person and start saying dumb things. And that is making me even more awkward.
8. You Are Suspicious of Kindness
Your narcissistic parent was probably really nice to you when they needed something. So it’s only natural to be suspicious if people are nice to you in your adult life. Nobody does anything for anyone just to be nice, right?
If someone gives me a gift or compliments me, my first instinct is to wonder what their true motive is.
That’s what growing up with a narcissist does—it teaches you that kindness is always conditional.
9. You Are a Perfectionist
I can’t half-ass anything. If I’m going to do something, it has to be perfect.
My dad only gave praise when I achieved something impressive. So now, I push myself beyond exhaustion, as if I need to prove my worth with every little thing I do.
So as an adult I always think I have to work hard for every little thing in my life and I don’t stop until it’s perfect. This is very unhealthy because I take a lot of extra (unpaid) time to make something perfect outside of work hours.
10. You Dissociate or “Zone Out” Easily
This one makes me sad. I have huge gaps in my childhood memory. I spent so much time in survival mode that my brain just started checking out.
Even now, when I’m stressed, I sometimes “leave” my body. My mind drifts away, and I completely miss what’s happening around me.
This is known as dissociation. It’s a coping technique to handle difficult situations. But this can be a problem when you are an adult because you can easily zoom out or find it hard to concentrate.
It can happen in a fight with somebody, or simply because you are bored with a conversation. Your mind just wanders off, and you don’t remember anything that was said to you.
Healing from a Narcissistic Parent
For years, I thought something was wrong with me. That I was just naturally awkward, unlovable, and destined for dysfunctional relationships.
It wasn’t until I started healing that I realized: the problem was never me. It was the way I was raised.
I had to unlearn so many toxic beliefs. I had to teach myself how to love and trust again. And finally, I had to choose healing, even when it was painful.
If you relate to any of this, I want you to know something—your childhood may have shaped you, but it does not define you. You are not broken. And you are absolutely worthy of love, peace, and happiness.
Healing takes time, but it’s worth it. And you’re not alone.
Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissistic Parents
What is a narcissistic parent?
A narcissistic parent is someone who exhibits strong narcissistic traits, such as a lack of empathy, a need for control, manipulation, and an excessive focus on their own needs at the expense of their child’s emotional well-being. They often invalidate their child’s feelings, use them for validation, and create an environment of fear, unpredictability, or emotional neglect.
Can having a narcissistic parent make me narcissistic too?
Yes, some children of narcissists unconsciously adopt narcissistic traits as a survival mechanism. This is known as “narcissistic fleas” — learned behaviors that mirror the narcissistic parent. However, with self-awareness and healing, these behaviors can be unlearned.
Why do children of narcissistic parents develop trust issues?
Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, making them doubt their own reality (gaslighting). They may be loving one moment and cruel the next, creating a sense of unpredictability. This makes it hard to trust others in adulthood, as kindness may feel suspicious or conditional.
Why do children of narcissists struggle with self-esteem?
A narcissistic parent often invalidates their child’s emotions and makes love feel conditional. As a result, the child grows up believing they are only worthy if they achieve something or behave in a way that pleases others. This can lead to lifelong struggles with self-worth.
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